The person being targeted has no models or knowledge of healthy relationships to which they can compare the relationship.The abuse has never (or rarely) been seen or validated by others so no one names the behaviors as problematic and abusive.The partner takes too much responsibility for the pattern of abuse and thinks there’s something wrong with themself.The partner believes that when the abuser is angry it is their fault or that they are the one to cause the hurt.The abuser and the partner may function well together in terms of working, caring for a home, raising children – so the abuse is overlooked, minimized or ignored – both by the person being abused and those who witness it.The person being targeted “forgets” the abuse when their partner is friendly to them.The partner has learned to overlook disrespect, unkindness, disregard and indifference and doesn’t stand up for themself.Upsetting incidents are denied by the abuser and the partner thinks they are wrong. The partner doesn’t trust their own feelings.
The abuse is often subtle with control increasing over time – and the partner gradually learns to adapt to it.Here are some of the frequently mentioned obstacles that Evans shares: In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, author Patricia Evans describes some of the obstacles and indicators that contribute to the difficulty of recognizing verbal abuse in one’s intimate relationship. Since the person being targeted is usually blamed, ignored or yelled at, there’s often great confusion and lack of clarity about what’s really happening in a relationship. The person engaging in abusive behaviors is often skilled at twisting things around in ways that make the person being abused feel like it’s her/his fault. That’s part of what makes verbally abusive relationships so dangerous. Those who are on the receiving end of these behaviors may feel confused about what’s really happening for themselves – and within their relationship. These emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors are about maintaining control and power in a relationship. The partner engaging in abusive behaviors may use withholding, taunting, accusing, belittling, lying, put downs, abuse disguised as jokes, yelling and raging. Verbal abuse within intimate relationships is more than name-calling.
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